Lately it has occurred to me that I have become old. It is no longer something that "will happen" one day, but it is here, it happened already. My face has jowls. My eyebrows furrow with dented creases. What little beauty I had is gone. While I was never beautiful or attractive, I did at least have youth, which is beautiful because it represents potential and hope. I am now a thirty year old. Well, actually, I'll be turning 27. But, physically, I am in the spectrum of people in their 30s, and if you are uneducated white trash like myself, this more or less means you are useless and worthless and hopeless.

It is a bad habit that I instantly become negative in this journal. I am actually doing quite well.

But yea, being old is really bumming me out. I had enough things to pine over... i.e. ruining my body from obesity, missing out on my youth, being a freak/loser in general, and now I can whine about being old too.

I just can't believe I am old. It snuck up on me this year. I think working aged me five years at least.

How is everyone doing?

It is 4 in the morning, I have work tomorrow. I am still employed BTW.

Good night.

I am posting here. I feel quite terrible. Terrible feelings always find me. Even if I don't have them for a long time, they always do. This is like winter sort of terrible feeling. This is like, "I thought were were done with this" sort of terrible. I expect occasional chaotic borderline psychotic type terrible feelings, but this is just like being a soggy bag of garbage type terrible and that usually only happens when it's winter and such. I suppose it is because it got cold again, and plus I ate a garbage truck worth of food on easter, and eating excessive food always seems to jostle my brain chemicals the wrong way. That's probably why I felt so god damn awful after thanksgiving and it didn't let up till janurary. Oh food, you're my kryptonite, except I'm not superman, I'm more like a minimally functioning loser at best.


Guess what kids. On the 7th I had a severe traumatizing low mood and it prompted me, in desperation, to call a psychiatrist on the 8th. My appointment is on the 15th. I may finally be getting medicated. I am terrified, I feel like a malingering loser, I feel like a faker, I feel like a really pathetic weak sack of crap, but then again I also must acknowledge I feel BAD and have felt BAD for as long as I can remember. The intensity of how BAD I feel has fluctuated over the years but I wonder, what the fuck have I missed out on, what am I missing out on right NOW by accepting this life. I'm tiring of settling.

I need to at least try before I settle. It's amazing I have never received psychiatric or theraputic services, considering how extensive my problems and how low I had functioned (and even now, I only function at a minimal level, i.e. I have a part time nursing job, that's about it,,, I am still at home, still isolated, still getting by barely).

Let me just try. Let me just give it a fair shake.
I have insurance now. THere is no exuses anymore.

Oh lord was it a mistake to drink some coffee at 1 in the morning.
Oh lord was it a mistake to obtain said coffee from 7-11, which appears to be a significant degree stronger than the usual coffee I procure from quickcheck (thus, my tolerance is far crap).
Oh lord was it a mistake to do this when I was already wired and dopamined-up from my brain problems.

Heart...leaping out of chest..sleep... many hours away if at all.
Wanting to walk around my city at 3 in the morning... urge hard to deny.

My god will tomorrow suck at work. I mean, not just because my mood is fucked and my sleeping is going to be definitely fucked, but I am sure the cool clique is going to float me to a new unit and I'll be dealing with all patients I have never even seen before. And I was kind enough to volunteer to work every weekend, and they repay me by floating me on the weekends I TECHNICALLY SHOULD NOT EVEN BE WORKING ON. My job is a pile of bullshit. They don't ever respect or appreciate anything you do, not at all. I volunteer to pull every weekend, and they repay me by FLOATING me so that certain per diems and other favored pets get their preferred spots. Bullshit, all of it.

And the worst part about floating is that the unit I'm floating to is so unbelievably cliquish, you feel like you've stepped into hostile land, like you're suddenly in the middle east, or some other area of the world where there is intense conflict between various "Us" and "Thems". That alone is more difficult than the whole getting used to new patients and possible admissions... the whole "we hate you and want you out of here" vibe is hard, haaard.


I am terribly afraid I may get fired. I don't do well with bosses. If my mood doesn't quell down, it might not be good.

Sorry for being unpredictable.

Well got my period today, as I expected would happen.
SORRY FOR THE CRAZIES YESTERDAY

Well technically I am still crazy. Yesterday I was hypomanic, today I was too, I am starting to come down off of it. Still the same, two days, that's about right. I'm starting to feel sad. Hungry type sad. Slow type sad.

Oh, but you say, yesterday you were sad too? No, yesterday I was crazy. yesterday my thoughts were like cars in rush hour: loud, bright, many, so fast that things freeze. Jagged thoughts that are like dreams, you think you're inside only to discover later you're outside, you assume you're tunneling into the earth only oh wait it's actually air, no wait a dense emulsion and you are suspended inside...
I look in the mirror and my face doesn't look like my face.
Something is coming to get me.

On the bright side, I put more pictures on my wall. That's the benefit to craziness, I always put pictures on my wall. I drew the following:
1) A heart shaped box with potpourri and roses (I noticed that this arrangement looks literally like a heart - the roses appear as atria, the twigs of potpourri look like veins and arteries, I wonder if I arranged it like that on purpose subconsciously? It's very "in utero"); done in soft pastel and charcoal on gray pastel paper
2) A strip of various expressive eyes done in colored pencil on white drawing paper
3) A massive drawing of a face, eyes closed, in morbid blues and purples, eyes closed, on a background of grass that appears as hair.
4) A charcoal doodle of a young girl. Her features look like mine when I was young, which was unintentional but I suppose subconsciously I was thinking about how I wasted my life (and, how I never even WAS). She is probably 16 years old. I didn't look anything like this at 16. I drew this a few minutes ago when starting to get depressed. It's almost like a mockery of myself.

Right. None of these are great, but then again, I never make anything great.

Basically I can't sleep. But I"m starting to come down off of it. I'm cold and hungry now and depressed primarily, but I still can't sleep.

I really don't want to work tomorrow. Two days off of work and it starts getting hard to leave the house, because thinking about dealing with all those motherfuckers puts me in cardiac arrest. I shouldn't ever take two days off in a row.

Confession:
Sometimes I think learning to be "normal" about food and weight was a big mistake.
Sometimes I sit and wonder where the hell I am, who I am, and it is like falling asleep and being shaken awake... what, where, who? Ready to arms, there's a battle I think, but where? Startle and shock, but when and where and who?

Then I think back nostalgically when I put my hair up in a bun and the back of my neck felt like a dinosaur, and my profile of my face in a bus window looked like a mountain cliff of cheekbone, when I KNEW people thought I was thin, and I was defined and safe by being thin. I had something. I felt like something.

Now what am I? Nothing. I feel like I am nothing. Dust, I'm not even here...

When I had that iron fist over food and weight, I had at least something. Wasn't much logically, but emotionally I felt like I had everything.

The flip side of feeling like you might die if you gain weight and lose underweight, is that you feel like you have achieved the secrets of the universe for holding onto it.


I can't go back. I can't go back because I don't really have an eating disorder and the only reason I got to that state was because I was losing weight for medical reasons which triggered an underlying vulnerability in my brain. To get back there would require prolonged starvation/restriction, which logically I could never allow as it is illogical because I am not even close to being overweight.

I suppose what I am saying is not even that I miss being thin, but I miss feeling like SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING, close to something... powerful. It only so happens my brain thinks this means being thin, that is incidental. I want to feel like I am something, I want to feel close to power... I want to think of time, the universe, god, the sameness of everything, and a hypothetical ability to transcend it.

I suppose it can be considered evidence of progress that I no longer even think of being thin as the answer; I just think of power and safety my mind happened to associate with thinness as thinness seemed to induce this chemical imbalance. Or, perhaps, this is evidence of my descent into (relatively) frequent episodes of hypomania, so that I realize the similarity between the way starvation feels and the way hypomania feels is that same combination of safety, immunity, and above all else POWER.

Perhaps the answer is to make an informed decision to abuse psychostimulants? Given my fragile vulnerabilities, I would certainly go hypomanic and the problem would be solved. But, you know, addiction and paranoia and sleeping with a gun next to your bed isn't a good thing... and I rather like my teeth and do not want to contract diseases so on.

If only I could figure out a way to be in hypomania all of the time (that is, bipolar-type hypomania), everything would be solved. I would stop thinking about thinness, because I would have those feelings of power and safety, except even better, unconditional, no fear and obsessions attached as is the case with starvation, right?

The answer is protein kinase C. Figure it out, it all comes down to this. More estrogen? But the body compensates, usually results in anger/rage not euphoria.






I realize today all I ever wanted in life is to feel hypomanic forever.


Yesterday I realized I want nothing (normal, anyway). I don't want children, I don't want lovers, I don't want friends, I don't want to travel, I don't want things. The only thing I want is to be withdrawn, uninvolved, lost to the world. I want to play everquest and to be immersed in lesser faydark. I want to go for walks in the park at midnight listening to fucking depeche mode. I want to read obscure online articles about health and medicine collecting information and coming up with theories about the bits and pieces I collect.
Sometimes I want to draw in abstract and bright colors and shapes; other times I want to copy the likeness of a person I find striking or admirable or both.

But I don't want to deal with people, I don't want to have a future, I don't want friends or family, I don't want to live, other than as a ghost, energy, not corporeal and removed, I have no interest. NONE what so ever. I like to explore, but only in my head.

So, yesterday right, I realized I wanted nothing. That is my point.

Today I realize I do want something... I want to live in hypomania... because when I am there, everything feels right, it rhymes, it clicks, I am powerful and endless and it's just RIGHT. I'm not less withdrawn, but the difference is that my private world is perfect, or at the very least, damn near getting there. It's heart pounding and inspiring like a rally to war by a great orator or being at a concert of your favorite band, or perhaps it is how religious experiences/church feels to the pious... it is like drinking life, everything fits, rhymes, clicks, your thoughts are better and better, and you feel powerful, power is all around you... it's basically the best ever. I can't describe it, it's the best ever, okay. For those of you who are normal and have experienced drugs, it probably feels like your favorite drug.

I want to emphasize I am not any less isolated and withdrawn, the difference is that I am unaware of it, or less aware of it, because I am ascending, transcending mortality, this ghost among the living becomes mythic spirit. I am woven into everything, I can feel the wind and it is a part of me, it is slow but moves with me, it is an extension of me, it mirrors me... fuck what am I trying to say.

The only thing I ever wanted was to live in hypomania. I don't care about life. I don't care about reality. It wasn't meant for me, I just want to be hyped up on artificial excitement.

I should be on hospice.
I should have a hospice nurse who delivers me speed around the clock so that I can remain in hypomania forever until my pitiful existence ends. Naturally, or by my hand, what's the difference? There is no difference between life and death, this is something you learn when you are surrounded by death daily.
The afterlife is obvious, this is something else you learn giving end of life care.



I look at magazines and I realize I am older than the women in them. I look at their faces and remember when mine used to look youthful like theirs. And, in that moment, I try to understand the exact details of my face that have changed, and I realize it is like trying to understand the exact structure of a snowflake. It's just snowing, that's all you know, you can't see the individual fucking flake. I'm old, that's all I know.

As if understanding how I aged could somehow prevent it? Everyone ages. Everyone becomes useless and undesired. Everyone dies.


I feel like a stuck nintendo. Hard reset plz. Blow the dust out of the zelda copy plz. IT's malfunctioning. Fix me. I want to be reborn.


I'll take any of the following solutions, I have no preference:
1) REbirth
2) Sustained hypomania



I don't know how much longer I can tolerate being nothing.

Probably for a day until my brain snaps out of it.

GRRRRRRRR
fucking hormones and shit.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to menstruate in like 5 days, which means progesterone is declining, which means I am having bigtime symptoms of the crazy. It's just annoying is all. It's one of those bristling, slightly nauseated, wanting to rip off my skin and pull out my hair, sound is flat and mechanical like the way it is when you are primed for panic, my heart is sort of jumpy, my hands are sort of sweaty, and my appetite is non-existent.

For a few minutes I think "oh my god, oh no" and I feel like offing myself from desperate unhappiness
Then for a few minutes I dance and laugh hysterically and feel pretty awesome.
Then, after, I just sit and bristle under my skin, try to calm myself, and stop being a fucking retard.

And, the cognitive disturbance. It's very low key, it's not a big deal, but it doesn't happen
normally. E.g. the following:
1) Confusing ordinary objects for scary things (leaves on the ground for mice)
2) Not being sure if music is coming from inside my head or outside for a split second
3) General paranoia and feeling like people might be creeping up on me (more than ususal)
4) Having quick thoughts about doing things that obviously isn't practical/possible. Like, passing a ballet school and thinking about taking it up. Which is dumb, cuz, I"m like damn near 30 and short and have no interest in dance and never wanted to dance before.


Look, the bottom line is, all of this shit is annoying. It's not a big deal, it just pisses me off.

I'm an autistic with autistic mood swings. All autistics are like this. Find me one autistic with emotional control. Find me one autistic without some "rapid cycling bipolar". Being autistic PRECLUDES hysterical and extreme emotions, it's part of the mangled brain behind this obsessive, rote, fixated, unable to see forest-through-trees isolated and shut out hyperfocusing 3 subject specialty useless lump of neural tissue.

I've noticed almost all people who are "rapid cycling bipolar" are also full of autistic traits, and all autistic people have "rapid cycling bipolar" traits. It all depends what you focus on emphasizing, which usually depends on what your doctor feels like focusing on, but it's a redundancy either way. If the emotions are the biggest problem for you or your family you'll be called a bipolar. If the isolation from world/development is the biggest problem, you'll be called an autistic. If both are big problems, odds are you'll be called a bipolar and the autism will be glossed over, because problems for other people trump the problems that affect you in the eyes of a medical professional. E.G. a little boy that has wild mood swings that last hours, social withdrawal, delayed development, and lines his cars up in size order with fervor is pediatric bipolar, not an autistic. A little boy with typical autistic emotional reactivity (mood swings) demonstrating the same behaviors is an autistic. See? Find me one pediatric bipolar who isn't probable autistic or an ADHD put on speed. Can't do it. All pediatric bipolars are autistics or they were given speed.

Find me one rapid cycling bipolar, not induced by speed/meth, who is not an autistic, I'll give u A MONTHS PAY. 4 real.
BTW when I say "rapid cycling" I mean moods that last a day or two or even shorter. Rapid cycling bipolar as defined by the DSM has nothing to do with autism.


There is something abut the autistic brain that makes for extreme emotional states, mood cycling... I think it comes from our own intense internal stimulation. I think, the withdrawal from the world, the isolation, the indifference to outside, it's because our brain is always percolating and interesting, incredibly interesting, things most people would find boring or strange. The extreme mood states are just part of an extreme brain. The autistic brain is extreme, more than anything else autistic brains are extreme... which is ironic because to the outside world the autistic looks simple and hopelessly oblivious to everything worthwhile and meaningful. Our extremism is why we are so shut out. It's like a little bit of salt for someone who's never had it... we just need a little, normal people need a lot. We are a very, very extreme type of introvert.

All introverts are like this, but the borderline between introversion and autism is when there is deficits in normal functioning. Introverts can function in the world like normal people, and their social functioning is normal, so on. The autistic has some degree of social impairment, combined with some preoccupation with collecting/ordering/systemizing/"specializing" a topic(s) of interest.
The severe autistic cannot talk or even recognize people as people; their topic of interest may be a door hinge, or any sort of hinge.
The mild autistic can talk but does not understand emotional gestures or communication; their topic of interest might be cars or planes or numbers.
The sub-clinical autistic might be extremely socially inept for reasons that are not entirely or at all related to phobia/inexperience. Their topic of interest may be anything at all and is often highly complex/arcane, computer science, medicine, mathematics, music, art (often replicating reality), architecture, engineering. These people may or may not self diagnose/identify aspergers.

I know I"m autistic spectrum BTW. I don't need a doctor.
My sister is taking abnormal childhood development, and one day she came home after a lesson and said "you know you're autistic right?" I was like "yea I knew that".

I get it, that's all that matters.

Since my sister has been using lithium, her moods have been very well controlled. She is no longer as random and chaotic, her rage and elation is gone, all in all she is much more like a regular person now. Lithium is a wonderful substance. It does a lot of things at different doses, my sister is mainly using it for impulse control and aggression and sleep. She is not manic depressive, but the psychiatrist believes she has a form of bipolar disorder. In my opinion it is a moot point, I've always believed my sister is closer to schizophrenia than she is bipolar. Her thinking can be very disorganized, her moods (elation and rage) are more just symptoms of that general lack of organization of thought. Even this is a moot point since bipolar disorder and schizophrenia share the exact same genetic causes according to researchers, and it would probably explain why my grandmother was schizophrenic, meanwhile all progeny suffer primary affective disorders.

Once in awhile I get the thought that perhaps she should do without it, but then I remember what it was like before, and I realize that is hell for everyone. I mean, standing in the doorway laughing out of control and blinking and rambling enthusiastically... and then minutes to hours later slamming doors, blasting music, crying hysterically... this was our life. Whenever I would see my sister with that wide grin and the crazy look in eyes and the hysterical elation, I would immediately have this fear knee jerk reaction because I KNEW as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, that crazed giddiness meant rage, rage rage rage later. IT always starts with that crazed giddiness, followed by rage.

My sister no longer has hysterical giddiness, or hysterical rage. She's slower, calmer, more grounded to reality. The last rage she had was a few days ago, which coincided with beginning contraceptive pills, which she has since discontinued. FACT: BCP make even normal women insane, women with probable bipolar/mental illness are even more likely to get fucked up.


In spite of how much this thing has helped her, she still has lots of problems, she still seems to have disorganized thoughts, and she's not quite grounded to reality like normal people. She's better definitely but not "poof cured". The difference is now her problems are less having to do with obvious insanity (e.g. rage and elation) and they have more to do with disorganization and a lack of ability to be self directed and take care of herself properly.

In some ways, it almost seems like she is worse... without all the razzle dazzle of energy, her mental deficits seem so much more severe. Take away the irrational behavior, and all you are left with is very low motivation and disorganized thinking (frustration and difficulty in functioning as a result of an inability to "be with it" like everyone else).


My sister still does strange and dangerous things. She started engaging in prostitution a few weeks ago. She had unprotected sex with a guy she met twice. She was unable to appreciate the risks involved in this activity. Only now in hindsight can she see how dangerous and irrational it was... at the time she didn't believe there was anything wrong with it. Normal people don't behave this way. She isn't young. She's almost 25.



The other night my sister was talking with me in my bed, the way we used to do when we were kids, and for a split second I was transported into time, back when I was very self hating and depressive. For a brief second I relived everything, the logic of not eating, the feeling of that sort of misery that I have not since felt, the stuckness and hopelessness.

In that moment I realized how much better I have become from where I was, and I realized how she will never get better. Her primary problem is with thinking, not moods.
In that moment I realized she is very mentally ill, much more than I am, and she will never be normal or functional.

This made a wave of heavy black sadness wash over me. I felt like she had died. In a way, I think she did die. My sister as I know her is dead, because in that moment it really clicked that the difference between her and someone who lives in a state psychiatric hospital is a matter of degree, not fundamentals. She is truly mentally ill and her thinking will never be normal or logical or adaptive, she will always do strange and random things, we will always have to watch her closely, she will never be able to be even remotely independent or self sufficient.

For the past few days my mood has been very very good, no trace of insanity or depression. Just fleeting blips, I'm talking less than an hour of mild symptoms of exuberance or suicidal misery... but this is entirely acceptable. I relate this to better eating. That is, eating the right amount, and being in ketosis most of the day.

My weight is stable, it goes slightly down, then slightly up, but it is definitely higher than it was. BMI 21.
I've realized ED thoughts aren't about being unhappy with weight changes, but instead they represent a desperation to reduce stimulation. I get these thoughts when I feel stressed, when I want to be left alone, when my family won't give me peace, etc. I get intense dysphoria about weight and eating when I am crazy.
The food control seems almost like a panacea for all of that... this is because it works, it numbs you out. It is a feeling of tunneling deep down, narrowing focus. I have a memory of being a child at my cousin's house, they had a skittish black cat who would hide in the closet. Away from the noise of the family, I would follow the cat deep into the dark, quiet closet, and I would try to convince him to befriend and trust me. That's what it feels like for me... that same feeling of purpose, safety, accomplishment, transformation, quiet and focus. The background congeals into a fuzzy whole, and my mission is at the forefront, I am focused and collected when I am in that mode.
Weight is not the problem, but the symptom... it is metabolic, it is psychological. The weight is psychological. I feel distress over my weight because I associate weight with the excessive stimulation and chaos associated with eating incorrectly for my brain (too much glucose, too much calories).
This is why I feel no or minimal distress over weight gain at certain times, if my mood is doing well. This is why I feel no or minimal distress now - my mood is very stable and balanced lately because I am eating better and I am able to sleep etc.
Most of it is metabolic. My brain doesn't make energy correctly, my brain chemicals are fucked up, and normal situations are stressful and disorganizing and uncomfortable. My moods are irrational and extreme and often dysphoric. Weight somehow came to represent all of this.


I think a lot of people with EDs have these sensory/stimulation issues; they have bipolar, mild autism, OCD, anxiety, whatever the issue may be and they associate weight control with the calming effect of ketosis. They think it's about calories and pounds but it's really about trying to acheive that calm, focused, collected feeling of having your brain run on fat.

I wish there was more research for using the ketogenic diet to control disordered eating. It's worth at least an investigation.

A random list of stuff.

( Hair problemz )

( Dysphoria, eating disordered thoughts )


( Strange things at barnes and nobles and randomness and autism etc )

Yesterday was a mood mess, today was an even bigger one. I'm getting this really weird thing where I come down hard with the desperately unhappy "suicide is the only answer" type misery, and then a few hours later I'm euphoric and trembling and excited. The volume was low yesterday but louder today. It could easily be a lot worse. It's so depressing when my moods start fucking up. Fortunately though I know this happened because I fucked up by eating things I shouldn't be eating for sanity purposes. I was doing well again the past few days because I was eating the right way for my brain... but then I started slacking, and this is the inevitable result I suppose.

Sometimes I'm lucky and I can coast feeling alrightish without caring too much about how tight my nutrition is, but ever since late november that has not been possible anymore. In november I was feeling awesome all the time, then poof. Ever since then my functionality hinges very squarely upon eating the very high fat, very low carbohydrate diet I must eat for my brain to work properly.

I've decided I'm an emotional epileptic. I have epilepsy, but it is in my emotions. That's why I'm thrown into random and brief mood states for no good reason. That's why at 11 oclock I was irritated, hopeless, desperate, and at 1 oclock I was giddy, hazed with bliss, euphoric, excited, slightly trembling. Please note nothing of significance happened during this time. The only thing significant was metabolic: I ate like shit earlier and I knew this was probably going to happen as a result of eating that way.


I am very close to understanding something very important. Or so my brain is telling me at the moment. I am on the cusp of hidden knowledge, a break in the clouds... Ahhh the dreamlike chase of brilliant discovery, it's always slipping through your fingers but yet so close you can taste it. Oh brain, you and I both know this inspired feeling is a fluke of your neurons misfiring. You and I both know that I am not close to a profound discovery, and my excitement and passion will fetter out in a few hours. The trembling of my body is, also, a symptom of the neurotransmitter fuckery produced by my brain... by the shot of dopamine turning into adrenaline and making me shake like this, and also making me feel so close to importance and brilliance.

Hours ago it was all noise and chaos and hopelessness, the familiar sort of "psychotic unhappiness".

I like to sit back and observe the events passively. I know none of this is real, but it is happening to me so it feels like it is. I can't stop the feelings, even though I can talk about them.

It's occurred to me I have grown. I am not sure who I am anymore. Perhaps this means I am now someone real, because I've stopped looking for myself. Stopping the search is what happens when you find something that works.

It's been a long time since I have written about my feelings. I write about my moods, but I don't own them. Feeling are something you own, they are real. Moods are something that simply happen to me, like weather. Ever since I have accepted I am insane, everything I think and feel has stopped being real. I experience it, but I no longer care or consider it meaningful because I am too aware it is just a fluke of my neurons, fritzing out on me again.
A feeling is real. A mood is not.
I used to consider how I feel, and mean it, and feel it. Or at least try to. I no longer care. I feel like I have grown passed feeling, but that can't be right.

It might be that I've accepted most of my "feelings" before were actually irrational moods. I am truly not a very feeling person. I am okay with that.

I no longer try to know myself, figure out myself. I suppose this is because I am actually reasonably happy and content. Or, it might be because of the whole accepting my craziness thing.

I used to crave people... crave something. I no longer despair at all over my lack of friends, significant others, life in general.
I have accepted I am mildly autistic and I was not meant to be with people. I simply don't need them. I really don't. Nursing fills my social quota and then some. The idea of having friends or a boyfriend is just too exhausting / stressful for me to want after all of that. I am an oddity, and that's alright. Not everyone can be like everyone else. There's nothing wrong with being different, some people are loners, and I am one.

I do sometimes worry that I am lying to myself, selling myself short. The intense self hatred I used to have has mellowed into dislike, and now it has reached a point where it is simple cool disinterest. I don't think about myself anymore. I am unbothered by myself. I exist, but I feel nothing good or bad about that. This is a vast improvement. Thanks nursing.

I think nursing was the best thing I've ever done.

I will never be able to like myself the way a normal person does. Liking yourself, or at least having the capacity to step outside of yourself is a requisite skill in order to have a social relationship. I am forever stuck inside myself. I also am incapable of liking myself. I will never be able to have a relationship with anyone that extends beyond professional/unemotional interactions.


Just as I have accepted my mood problems are a brain disease, I have accepted my social/ego problems are also a brain disease, probably some sort of autistic spectrum thing. I no longer fret or despair about getting "over them", for they ARE who I am.

Acceptance makes everything easier. Searching for a solution to an answerless question is fruitless and frustrating. There is a fine line between denial and acceptance, and I think I am definitely accepting (rather than denying/hiding yet more).

I need to learn to enjoy life on my terms, the way my brain is capable of enjoying life. That means the following:
1) Lots of time alone, accepting I cannot deal with people as well as a normal person
2) Islands of ideas and dreamworlds are my source of happiness, living inside of my head, chasing thoughts most people never consider significant or interesting
3) Accepting that I am incapable of handling the same amount of stress and stimulation as others, and not forcing myself to
4) Enjoying the moment alone, focusing on simple stimulus and the intense feelings it produces that others cannot feel. Meditation.


It is S-TUPID to exasperate over my failure to like normal people. It's time I claim my life and proudly live the way my brain is designed to live it. There is some shame or guilt about being "a loner", choosing isolation. I'm not ashamed anymore. I am an adult, I can support myself, I have a job, I have nothing to feel guilty about. I've no debilitation to compensate for anymore. Being different is not a crime. People choose others because they need them; I don't need them, and there isn't anything wrong with that.

BTW I've noticed that my cycles appear to be getting longer. Perhaps that is because I am no longer in tune as much to the every few day cycles since I am working, and all I can see now are the weekly cycles. I've always had weekly cycles but I was more preoccupied with the day to day ones before.

I hate u winter. While, truthfully, the situation is not that bad at all (just unmotivated and lethargic at best, not even depressed), I do miss the excitement of running down the block and feeling like god is all around me. Not even religious. I just miss feeling like a live wire. I miss feeling like I can keep going all the time. Up until a few weeks ago, I had plenty of energy. Fall was the right amount. Winter is too little.
I would come home from work and be so restless. The energy is so extreme compared to where I am now. I wish I could describe it. Honestly I took it for granted at the time. I never felt tired. I feel tired all the time now. I can still function and stuff, but I miss NEEDING to move. I miss DANCING. That fettered out slowly it seems. It's totally gone now. A lot of december was mixed symptoms. Now I'm tranquilized. It's done.

Remember wheN I was crazy? I'm not crazy anymore. I'll stay this way. No unreal thoughts. No paranoia. No hypomania. No psychotic unhappiness. I've been good for 2 weeks like, it'll work out, I promise.

It was a bad decision to drink coffee. Now its 6 in the morning and I should sleep at 3 am. Coffee before bed, add that to the book of things that shouldn't require being told not to do.

I haven't been depressed in like 2 weeks. New record! New record!
Not exactly bursting with energy and excitement, though. Eating lots. No motivation either. Physical depression without emotional depression? It's possible. I am proof. Occasionally I get small blips of energy, approaching hypomania, but it fetters out very quickly. Mostly I am a sack of trash that kinds shifts from place to place as required of it.

I'm just glad I'm not psychotically unhappy. I'm thankful my mood is balanced and "alright". I've never felt this way before... so tired, yet so contented and reasonably happy. I'm eating really an incredible amount of food but I simply feel (mostly) okay about it.

I don't even feel sad. I don't feel depressed at all.

I wonder if this is normal mood?


I'm a porcupine. I approach myself with caution, for I am unpredictable like a souffle and can't be disturbed. I am something that is always on the verge of ruining. I am unexpected outcomes.

Who would expect very low energy, lethargy, WITHOUT depressed mood? Here I am.

I wish I knew why I was this way. I wish it was physically visible so I didn't doubt it was real. I know it is real, but I wonder if it is real. You can't tell me I imagined how bad I felt in december. You can't convince me that I wasn't happy most all of november. I don't care if you don't believe me. I remember the excitement and fits. I remember the head screaming, the paranoia, the borderline psychotic thoughts in december. Fuck you if you don't believe me. I hope one day you have to deal with this if you don't believe me. Fuck you if you think I'm a complainer.

I just hope to keep functioning.

I am crazy.
I am very crazy.
I am writing this disoriented and paranoid and miserable.
I cannot think. My mind is glossed and far away. It has frozen like an overloaded computer.

My forehead hurts from scowling.

I need the medicine. What am I risking? THe worst thing is that it does not help.

I restrict my calories and that helps, it protects me from the severe mixed-state / insane style depressions like these. I can't get the "oh my god i'm on fire, everyone hates me, I am embarrassing and awful" attacks. I only get those when I eat too much.

Just take the pills. I just need to go to a doctor and get some pills.

I'm tired. I can't do this anymore.

I'll never get rid of this, unless I go. It will always come back, even if I have a few days/weeks where I feel "cured" it comes back.

I'm pretty sure that today I ate the most food I have ever eaten in my life, period, all aspects even when fat. I did not count calories much but I'm absolutely sure they are over 3000.

It's kind of strange because I really don't have any disordered thoughts, but I do have relatively normal dysphoric thoughts like "oh man I'm going to gain a pound, that's a pain in the ass" and "damn I really wish I didn't eat that much because I am going to totally feel like shit later". The difference is in extent of the feeling. An ED thought is consuming and cannot be shaken, it is all there is. A normal thought is much more rational and it's more like an idea, like a commercial slogan, it's not something that consumes every aspect of your sight, sound, senses.
The only considerably abnormal thought is that I did contemplate purging. However, this was not a desire in the way it is when you are on fire with ED thoughts (like a desire to undo and erase the horror and filth to which you have just immersed yourself in). The purging thought was more like a desperation to make the horrid physical sensation go away (and to perhaps minimize the weight gain, but this was not really a disordered thought, more like a rational "I don't want to gain any weight" thought). I wonder if there is a subset of bulimics who have primary food addiction/binge eating disorder and the purging is just a way to minimize the physical malaise of over eating? Let me tell you this, I don't often over eat to a point where I physically feel scared that I might injure my stomach, but tonight.

I think EDs are defined primarily by the extreme and exaggerated thoughts, rather than the behaviors. In an ED your thoughts are almost psychotic when it comes to weight and food. Basically I wonder if there is a subset of people who binge and purging is just to facilitate the binge, whereas the weight control part is not markedly different from any westernized women (that is to say they don't want to be fat but the concern with weight isn't significantly more extreme than it is for any other person in that demographic).

Anyway.

Because of the incredible salt content, as well as surging insulin levels, I am absolutely dying for water, however every time I drink water the fullness feeling becomes absolutely intolerable. Kinda screwed because I won't be able to take in fluids until at least a couple of hours (digestion etc). Intravenous infusion of .3% saline would be nice about now. I need a way to get fluid into my system that bypasses my gastrointestinal tract because this is currently hijacked by DISGUSTING feelings of fullness. The edema is pretty mind blowing, I look like a water balloon.

LORD HELP ME. I just drank 2 cups of water, I think I might die from the pain, SRSLY.

Here's the problem. The problem is that while you're eating, all you get is a mild signal that says "hey, I'm not really hungry anymore". Normally this is enough for you to stop eating, however if you are feeding for hedonistic/social reasons, it is too easy to ignore that signal and keep eating. If there is enough food in front of you, then you can eat to the point that you are actually going to be in incredible pain later.

The signal that says "oh my fucking god what the hell did you do ouch ouch ouch food is repulsive" doesn't come until at least 10 minutes AFTER you stop eating, and it peaks the longer and longer you abstain.

Social situations tend to make me eat more. It's like the excitement of it also peaks my feeding drive. When I am alone I eat far less because there is less stimulation to prompt me to feed. I'm a lot like my cat. My cat will not eat well by himself; I literally have to pet him and talk baby talk to him in order to get him to eat. The excitement he feels from the attention is transferred to excitement about food. It's really cute because his stubby tail will rise and he will start eating fiercely as long as I am petting and talking to him.


Blood sugar issues are a whole different ballgame, though. I ate pretty low carb today and yesterday so my hunger signals are working rather normally, the problem is that I over ate for social/hedonistic reasons (holiday). Therefore I am repulsively full and I feel like throwing up because everything is working properly (dopamine etc).

If I had consumed too many carbohydrates, right now I would actually still feel quite hungry in spite of eating this much food. No joke. I consumed a boat load of carbs, don't get me wrong, but I didn't consume ENOUGH of them in order to cause hypoglycemia and paradoxical hunger. I ate too much protein/fat for that.



I feel a little bit like a freak. I am telling myself that it is normal to consume a wicked lot of calories on a holiday in booze/cookies/dinners but a part of me wonders if this is normal. I don't think I ate a whole lot more than my sister, for example. We had very similar foods. For breakfast we both had croissants and coffees, with cranberry bread (mine was low starch/sugar). We both snacked on cookies and soup and took sneak nibbles on dinner during the day. We both had bailey's drinks.
I'm pretty sure I ate way more meat than she did at dinner, but then again she had potatoes and rolls (I did not). My meal was also larger, because I like food whereas my sister is more fond of desserts (therefore she another baileys as well as more pie and whip and ice cream for dessert and 2 of those 100 cal packs). I was farrr too repulsively stuffed to have a full serving of pie, but I did have about a piece and a half throughout the day and nibbles after dinner.

I'm not trying to compete with how much we eat, I'm only comparing our eating because my mind feels like I really, really, really freakishly ate a lot so I'm wondering if she ate about the same as me (seems like she did). However it is entirely possible this is rather normal holiday pig out eating? Obviously not everyone eats a boat load of food on a holiday, but it might be within the normal scope of behaviors. I suspect that is the case, I can't possibly imagine eating this way on a usual day. I would not be able to function if I did, haha.



My sister freaked out insanely during a fight with the family. The climax involved her throwing a soiled tampon on the kitchen floor, which is quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I have ever EVER seen, especially since we didn't notice it right away and were stepping on it smearing blood everywhere. This is actually the second time she has done such a thing.
For a brief moment I had suicidal / desperate thoughts after that episode. No one should have to live like this. That's what crazy people do, throw feces and smear it on the walls.

At times like this I wish my body was/felt less grotesque so that I could feel okay enough to meet a guy and move away from this madness. If my brain chemistry doesn't do it, this place will certainly destroy me.

Sometimes I wonder if I was more sane when I was depressed. Perhaps it is less sane to be inappropriately content/happy?

Yesterday I had a run in with far too many carbohydrates. I went to marshalls, and they have so many yummy looking fancy foods there. In a fit of reduced foresight I decided to buy some real sugar toffee and also a box of chocolate covered crackers. Each piece of toffee only has 3 carbs and each cracker was 2.5, so i figured not so bad.

Indeed, this is not so bad... however if you eat two pieces of toffee AND 2 crackers, as well as 2 ounces of sugar roasted pecans (12 carbs)... well, clearly you've just had a snack which has about half the carbs you can tolerate in a single day. Duh?

Yea so I really overdid it on carbs yesterday, and boy did I ever fuck up my blood sugar. I spent all night shaking, literally physically shaking, every other hour getting up to eat because my brain would stop working. Then after I would eat my brain would start working again and I would be like "oh damn did I really just eat again? Jesus was it ever a mistake to eat all those carbs".

Long story short I ate an inhumane amount of food yesterday because my insulin and blood sugar were completely fucked up. Sleep has a way of resetting such things, because while sleeping you are fasting and there is no EVIL HORRIBLE carbohydrate to cause the spike in insulin that leads to manic feeding.

So I woke up from my sleep completely stuffed and feeling gross, disgusted, lethargic, etc.

The day after insulin chaos is interesting. My body is like "what the fuck did you do to me yesterday? Holy shit, I'm stuffed up with sugar and fat!" and it behaves accordingly. That is to say, the day after insulin chaos my appetite is non-existent and I have no need for food at all as it feels constantly as if I just ate a full meal.

Of course, I do eat but I eat less than usual because my body simply does not need it.

I remember when I first started the LC diet, when I was ridiculously overweight and had all these fat cells bursting with energy, I felt like that "post insulin chaos" quite constantly. That is I never had any appetite and my energy was stable no matter what. Actually very early on, I could not eat physically because so much fat was being released from my fat cells that attempting to eat more fat (this was a ketogenic diet, remember) only produced intolerable nausea.

Insulin controls fat storage vs energy use, and fat storage/energy use controls feeding.

The ability to become and stay 300 pounds is exclusively an issue of a pattern of abnormal insulin secretion reactionary to a high carbohydrate diet, or drugs, or some other agent that causes insulin levels to rise abnormally.

When your remove the carbohydrate from the diet, the insulin level falls and this causes fat to flow out of your fat cells. When fat flows out of your fat cells, your appetite is adjusted downward. Eating only controls weight in the sense that eating controls insulin level. It is ultimately insulin that is behind clinical obesity. Most of us who are or have been obese have this genetic predisposition to grossly overproduce insulin.

That's why a lot of people can truly eat thousands and thousands of calories but gain only moderate or no weight at all - they do not have the genetic predisposition to have disordered insulin secretion. When these individuals over eat, it truly does feel like over eating in the sense that hunger is diminished or non-existent, and they eat for social or hedonistic purposes (that is, they eat because it is a holiday and everyone is eating, or they eat because it tastes good and they are bored but can easily stop). Without high insulin, it is presumed the metabolic machinery regulating fat tissue is otherwise in tact and signaling properly (e.g. leptin, NPY, ghrelin, these get fucked up when insulin and triglycerides are elevated). So they do feel the way I feel when I eat a tremendous amount of low carb food (same day), OR the day after a tremendous amount of high carb food when the insulin level has fallen again and my body can perceive the food I had eaten before... that is to say, these people feel very very full and almost nauseated at the idea of eating. I only ever get that very very full / nauseated feeling when the insulin level has come down again, and that takes about a day, and an overnight fast.

For an individual who has insulin oversecretion, over eating feels like the bare minimum to satisfy hunger because the high insulin has created a metabolic shunt which directs all food into fat cells. It's almost like they have a tape worm, except the tape worm is their own fat tissue. Yes, this is a fact.

It's a shame I know so much, but I can only apply my knowledge to myself. There are so many people out there struggling with "compulsive eating" when what they really have is a case of abnormal insulin secretion and an intolerance of high carbohydrate diets.

It's a shame that fat people are manipulated and encouraged to eat the very food that is responsible for the obesity they have. 100 calorie packets of cookies with sugar and flour. I would not touch that shit with a 10 foot pole.

To maintain my weight, I eat heaps of nuts, meats, cheese, greek yogurt, moderate amounts of berries, almost all vegetables (non-starchy of course), full cream in coffee, etc.

The key is to keep insulin low. You keep insulin low by eating fat, and avoiding carbohydrate as if it were toxic.

It's intolerable that this basic science is so obscured from the public, and it is exclusively because the obese are industry's little drug addicts... junk food companies sell us food that makes us fat, and then they sell us diet food that compounds the problem. They sell us horrible surgeries that destroy intestines, but yet caution that "the low carb diet is experimental". What a joke. Industry controls knowledge, controls opinion. Science has no part in any of this.

Interesting article:

Is anorexia the female Asperger’s?

What we now realise is that we need to be looking at underlying neural networks in the brain – how patterns of information are processed, how this affects both behaviour and the way an individual reacts to her environment, and why this goes wrong. We need to consider those aspects of how the brain functions that increase the risk of someone falling prey to an eating disorder.

I and others have been working hard to examine such processes and the research so far has produced very interesting findings that we have already been able to put into treatment programmes. We have found, for example, that people with eating disorders find it difficult to change self-set rules and learnt behaviour once fixed in the brain. They also see the world in close-up detail, as if they are looking at life through a zoom lens – but this can be at the cost of having an ability to see and think about self-identity and connections with others without getting lost in the details.


( Rest behind here )

My sister comes home in a bad mood. Looks like she may have been fired (it is the first week of her new job - she usually gets fired after a week). Demands a "loan". Tell her get lost. Tell her to go ask my father (I am through giving her money out of guilt that she'll steal from them... if it were up to me I would have her in a shelter by now, they are the ones that keep her here).

I go downstairs and my totally smashed father says he gave her his ATM card. I ask him if he is crazy why he did that etc and he starts blaming me and everyone else.
He eventually starts to cry.
I call my sister and she says in that flat monotone narcissist voice "I only borrowed 100, I'll give it back when I get my check". Sure.

This is the kind of depression that is going to linger for awhile.

It's kind of like being in a box with no air to breathe. I'm fucking trapped here... I need to get out of here, I'm sorry I can't save you, I'm sorry, but I need to get out of here.

I can't even get hired, what the hell am I going to do.

I'm in a rare spot of normal mood so I might as well post now hehe.
Yesterday I interviewed for the job.
The facility is very close by (+) and the staff seemed niceish (+). It does look like a very hard job, it is 1 RN supervising/managing the work of 2 or 3 techs, plus she / he much take one patient to perform all hemodialysis on themself; all in all the RN is responsible for 9 patients ( - ). HOWEVER, no annoying families and all you do is the dialysis , less annoying doctors too (+). Shifts are 13 hrs 3 days/week with no holidays (big +). Pay is 28/hr which is good for a hemodialysis center for a new grad, but shitty compared to what I could make in a lot of other hospitals (-). Future in management or acute hemodialysis too (+).

All in all, I definitely would consider this job, if they would consider me, lol.

In hindsight I think I sounded like a moron in the interview, although at the time I had delusional hypomania so I felt abnormally confident. I am fairly certain I repeated descriptive adjectives. It was hard for me to read her body language, she was an older filipino nurse.
She asked me why I would be interested in the job. I responded honestly that I actually entered nursing to work with diabetics and I think renal dialysis would be a good place for me to start. I was most fascinated by hemodialysis during school; also told her I am very technologically inclined and love the machines, I also love how super important the analysis/observation of the status of the patient by the nurse is to hemodialysis. I told her I think I have what it takes to do this.
When she asked me to describe myself I said I was "dedicated, organized, intelligent, very hard working, a caring nurse... " I think I said dedicated twice, lol?

When she took me around the facility she said "I might have a future in management with the company" and she wanted me to speak with the acute hemodialysis RN. That might be a good sign, I may have successfully impressed her and made her think I had potential.

The staff seemed mostly nice but I got a bit of a crazy bitch vibe from a few of them. They were probably overworked and stressed; I can't stand how some women are like that (sorry going to be sexist as it is almost always women). So, not only do you basically then have to deal with your OWN stress, but you have to walk on pins and needles trying not to get on their bad side too, or else you risk being targeted as a bitch (because you are the new member).




I am still really torn between the following paths:
1) Doing hemodialysis
2) Doing psych
3) Doing med surg for a year and going right to NP school

HELP?
( Long discussion about psych nursing and my interest in it )

Bottom line is I have to choose something and do it.
Obviously I will never go into labor and delivery or peds or emergency medicine so that's good to have those eliminated :).

Painful depression today. The kind where I think of suicide as the only way out (briefly, briefly)... where I almost cry on my walk listening to musicians sing about "everything starting to fall apart". Every time he says that, it's overwhelming.

I feel like a drunk, an emotional depressed drunk.

Mildly depressed yesterday.

Three days ago I was normal.

The day before I was extremely manic.

Ascend and descend. Fuck you.

I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this. I don't know whats going on in my head, but I'm tired of it.

Tomorrow I have to return a call to a hemodialysis center. They are interested in hiring me. You hear that brain? You better fucking work tomorrow.

I don't know what's going on with me.